


(Can't) Remember To Ask

by starmelee



Series: Remnants [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Episode: e067-069 Story and Song Parts 1-3, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Taako kind of has a breakdown but it's okay because his family has him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:01:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28358211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starmelee/pseuds/starmelee
Summary: Taako's got a lot on his plate (hah) that he doesn't want to deal with. So he pushes it away. And away. Further and further until the plate tips off the table and shatters on the floor. He doesn't know what to do with what's left.Luckily, he has some help.(Originally Titled: Not Lucretia Hate, I Swear)
Relationships: Kravitz & Angus McDonald & Taako, Lup & Taako (The Adventure Zone), Minor Taako/Kravitz (The Adventure Zone)
Series: Remnants [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2052495
Comments: 4
Kudos: 41





	(Can't) Remember To Ask

**Author's Note:**

> I started banging this baby out literally the night I posted my other fic, so I am happy to announce that it's finally done (probably)!

Taako has to admit, maybe he bit off more than he could chew with this whole… everything. 

He has a boyfriend. Friends. His sister is back. He adopted Angus, with the boy’s permission, so he kind of has a son, too. He has a school. And he has a reputation built around being the person who was just… _haunted_ for years, even if nobody knows it. Years of thinking he was alone. Years of being betrayed by a world that now embraces him. Years of… loss. Of himself. Of his memories that always felt so close but so, so far.

Taako knows that those twelve years changed him more than the entire century on the Starblaster. The fear of his sister and her boyfriend becoming liches, the even quieter fear of never escaping the endlessness, the fear of losing to the Hunger, the horror of the Grand Relics’ influences on the world. The joy of learning about all these planes, learning new languages, giving Lup the best day of her fucking life, getting hugs from Magnus and accidentally calling Davenport ‘dadnport’ that one time (maybe it was more than once). None of those things, the good or the bad, shaped him _irreparably_ like those twelve years had.

Lucretia had her single year alone, way back when, where she _changed_ , and suddenly she wasn’t Lucy anymore. She was Lucretia. The foothold for Madam Director. She suffered, and she _told them_. She regaled them with her suffering and her learning and her betterment. 

And she fucking cursed him to the same fate. Except Taako didn't get better. He got worse. 

Sazed fucked him over, and he had nothing left anymore except for his magic and his wits. His life was a blank slate that he couldn’t fill in no matter how _fucking_ hard he tried. The static filled the days he knew were wrong, filled the quiet moments where he tried to remember the details he could only catch brief glimpses of when he was caught off guard. The static haunted his dreams and he didn't even realize it until he remembered what he unwillingly forgot. 

Today, he wakes up in the morning and walks to his bathroom. The mirror that he usually keeps covered isn’t, because Kravitz slept over his place and he doesn’t want to admit that sometimes he can’t look at himself. 

He hears Angus in the living room laughing at something in one of the books he likes to look over in the mornings, or maybe Kravitz is still around and they’re having fun. Either way, Taako needs to bring himself back in again so he can go cook for them and wish Angus a good day before he goes and does what boy detectives do best. And maybe he can offer Kravitz a goodbye kiss, too, since even grim reapers can have a good day. 

But today, when his eyes meet those of his reflection, something in him _shatters_. He doesn’t even remember casting a spell, doesn’t know what spell does it, but the mirror in front of him forcefully explodes, jagged pieces of glass shooting out at him and the space behind him. He feels the shards cut his cheeks, his nose, his lip; he can feel the glass embedded in his arms and his chest, and all he can do is stand there, motionless. 

The shattering mirror sounded, just for a second, like static. 

And suddenly he’s panicking, he can’t breathe and his eyes are clouded with tears, his knees buckle and he silently wails. He can’t make a sound despite the fact that all he wants to do is _scream_. He hears something, thudding, and the sound of a door opening next to him. 

Someone gasps, and Taako can’t- he can’t process that this is happening, that this is _real_. He’s torn by his fear, by his horror, that this life is permanent, and he lived an entire decade of a lie, and he suffered a loss that he never even knew he grieved, he gave up pieces of himself to a pair of fucking egotystical maniac liches, and he can’t cook anymore without triple-checking his ingredients and triple-trying his dishes, and even then he hardly trusts himself to cook, and he just **can’t**. 

The weight of his life and his not-life hit him together at once, and he sobs. His trembling hands press to his eyes, and he feels that he’s been crying for quite some time. 

A cold hand presses itself to his neck, and Taako realizes that he is so _warm_. Unbearably hot. 

“Taako,” a voice calls to him, but he can’t recognize it; it’s distorted by static and a new rush of fear surges through him. 

“Lup! Please, Lup!” He cries, because he can’t handle losing his other half ever again. He hears the dull murmuring of voices, the cold hand leaves, and he’s never felt so utterly crushed by how alone he is. 

“Taako,” and this is a voice he _knows_. He _remembers_.

“Lup,” he sobs, and she pulls him close to her, and she has a body and she’s breathing and she’s _real_. She’s real and he remembers her and she’s holding him. 

“Taako, it’s okay. It’s okay,” she tries to soothe, running her fingers through his hair. “You haven’t forgotten, we’re here. I promise that we’re here and you’re here and everything is okay.” Her reassurances continue for some amount of time he can’t pinpoint, but after that time passes, he’s able to open his eyes and he feels more real than he did before. 

“There you are,” Lup smiles in a way that Taako hasn’t seen since… well, since the Starblaster. She’s being gentle with him; so, so gentle in a way that they simply... aren’t with each other. 

“Yeah,” he manages to get out. “Fuck, ouch,” he pulls away from her fully and looks up to where his mirror used to be. “Holy shit… did I do that?” 

“Angus and Krav say you did. They were waiting for you to come make breakfast when they heard an explosion from in here. Found you crumpled on the floor, sobbing.” Her voice is sad, but he knows that there’s more; she’s confused. 

“Ask me, Lup,” Taako says, emboldened by something he can’t place. 

Lup clears her throat instead and stands, offering him her own hands. He takes them and she gingerly pulls him to his feet, then walks him out to the chair in front of the mirror in his bedroom. This one is draped in fabrics, something he figured he could explain away easily enough to not have to adjust. 

As his sister pulls the fabric away, he sees that his face, his neck, the tops of his hands, his chest, they’re all punctured with glass shards of varying sizes. He can see the sparkle of fine glass dust all over him in the mid-afternoon light coming in through his windows. Taako goes to pick up the tweezers he usually uses for his eyebrows but Lup’s hand darts out and grabs them first. 

When he looks at her, she shakes her head. Her voice is strangely soft. “Let me take care of you, Koko. Let me do something for you.” 

And Taako, still slightly numb and dumbfounded, just nods and lets her do what she has to do. Magic removes the small flecks of glass, but she has to manually remove the larger shards. It isn’t the first time she’s done something like this, he knows, but he can’t bring himself to reflect on the memories that try to surface. 

“It’s okay to ask for help, babe,” Lup breaks the silence. 

Taako sighs, feeling the worst of his feelings start to overcome his numbness. “I… can I? Can I, Lup?” She goes to answer him but he cuts her off, “I see… horrible things. Every time I close my eyes I am haunted by the ten years I spent so horribly _alone_ , not knowing I’d ever truly been loved-” he feels the tears rise back up and he tries to blink them away, but more and more build until they’re streaming down his face. “And even though I had Magnus and Merle for the two years after, I was never sure how they felt about me.” He pauses for a moment, then sighs, “Lup, do you remember when Lucretia spent her year alone? After we’d been apprehended by the Judges or whatever?”

Lup nods slowly, pulling the last piece of glass out. He hardly noticed that she’s spent this time removing the shards, but he prefers it that way. Quickly, she passes him a minor healing potion that Taako slams back so hard he almost chokes on it, just to get the job done. She takes the vial back from him when he offers it and lets him continue.

“That was my life for twelve. Fucking. Years. I had Sazed, I had my show for a little while, sure, but I always knew, somewhere, that I was _missing_ something. Something so important to me just wasn’t there anymore and I felt so _empty_.” He realizes his fists are clenched in his lap and he tries to stretch his fingers out. “Everyone has somehow found it in themselves to forgive her, and they’ve somehow _moved on_ , but Lup, I’m stuck. I see the people I poisoned in my dreams, or I see the static that kept me and my whole life apart for twelve lonely years, and Lup,” his eyes finally meet hers, and he knows that he can’t hide anything anymore, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get _over_ that.” 

He takes a shuddering breath, but he’s not done yet. “It’s easier for you guys, I think. You spent that time stuck in the umbra staff because of something you did, but you also remembered. Magnus had Julia, even when he lost her. Merle had his family, and even when he didn't, he had Pan. Barry had time in between when he forgot, but for most of the time, at least he remembered, too. Davenport is the only one who I think could relate, but at least he had a purpose. A home. He had Lucretia. But me? I was fucking alone. I had no one. I… I had nothing. And now I’m suddenly supposed to be the same again? How does that make any _fucking_ sense? Newsflash, homie, it fucking _doesn’t_.”

He sees the surprise, the guilt, etched onto Lup’s face, a face that used to look like his but is now more beautiful than he can ever be again, and he cries. He lets out every tear that he’s held in, every tear that he’s ignored for the past one-hundred-and-something years. And Lup is there, and she holds his hands and presses their foreheads together and she cries, too. An imperfect mirror, but one he can handle.

By the time they’re done, Taako is exhausted. He opens his eyes fully and sees that the sun has set. Lup backs away from him and returns with a wet washcloth to wipe both of their faces with, and they clean up nicely, at least. 

“Taako,” she says, interrupting the silence, “I’m so sorry. I never even considered- I’d never thought about how different your experience was, and I’m sorry. I know we don’t get real all that often, and I know that we’re both pretty uncomfortable with this sort of thing, but… dude, that was some _heavy_ shit. Like, the heaviest shit I’ve heard in like, a hundred years. Even after that one cycle with those people who only ate carbs.” 

“Yeah, well,” Taako sniffs, trying not to laugh, “what can I say? Taako doesn’t do anything in halves. If I’m doing something, it’s gonna be perfect. All the way down to my emotional trauma.” 

They both laugh now, though it’s not as full as they probably wish it was. Taako knows that there’s a lot to unpack, but he just wants to throw the damn trunk out and just banish all these emotions from his very soul. 

Lup pulls him up into a bone-crushing hug, and he finds himself unable to even crack a joke as he hugs her back to just take in her presence. She really is his entire heart. And for a moment, he’s pretty sure they thought the same thing because she squeezes him even tighter.

“Dude, you’re going to kill me,” he pretends to choke out. 

“Shut up, asshole,” she laughs, pulling away but still holding him at arm’s length. Her eyes scan his face, but when she doesn’t find what she’s looking for (or maybe she does,) she lets her hands drop back to her sides. “You gotta start telling us shit, babe. If you just sit here and let it build, you’re gonna need a lot more mirrors.” 

That one gets a small chuckle out of him. “Guess you’re right. I just… this shit ain’t easy for me, you know? I don’t want to bother anybody with… all that.” 

Lup raises an eyebrow at him, “You think shattering mirrors and having mental breakdowns is easier than talking to someone? My man,” she cracks up suddenly, and he can’t not smile when she does that, “we _are_ twins. Like, I know we look alike but oh my Pan.” 

They sit there and laugh for a few more minutes, and Taako realizes that he has no fucking idea how he lived without her for so long. She really is just… everything to him. She’s the fucking astral plane and Faerun, and all the shit in between and sideways or whatever. 

“I’m going to cook us dinner,” he announces, and he hears Lup’s stomach growl promptly after. 

“Pretty sure _we’re_ gonna cook us dinner because no head chef is good without a sous chef,” she grins, pulling him to his feet. He’s still in his pajamas, he realizes, and now his pants have holes in them but a quick mending spell fixes that. He doesn’t want to bother with changing. However, he does put on a silk robe. 

He waves her off as he exits the room, “Whatever, Lulu, do whatever you want. But if you fuck up my kitchen utensils, you will be banished to the counter. Maybe even the living room if I’m feeling especially malicious.” 

Taako feels her roll her eyes behind his back and suddenly he’s warm again. Good. Being cold is his third least favorite condition. 

When he steps out into the space between the kitchen and the living room, he sees Kravitz and Angus having a conversation on the couch in hushed whispers. He can still hear what they’re saying; they’re discussing Taako and trying to think of takeout that would be comfort food. And he smiles to himself, only for a second because he has a reputation, dammit, but he loves these idiots so much. 

“Yo, boy dooftective, handsome, I’m making dinner so shut up about something that isn’t my food.” 

Angus looks up at him sharply before he stands and runs up to him, stopping just short of hugging him. His face erupts in a blush and he looks up at Taako. “Um. Sir, it’s really good to see that you’re doing alright! I was super worried about you, and I-” 

“Get over here, Agnes,” Taako steps up closer to him and pulls him into a hug. He knows that Angus really needs the reassurance, and maybe he needs a bit of that, too. 

The next time he looks up, Kravitz is in front of them with the softest look, but Taako can see the underlying concern. Hesitantly, he mouths ‘later,’ and Kravitz nods at him. But Taako waves him in, too, and suddenly they’ve made an Angus sandwich. Said Angus giggles quietly, making Taako smile in a way that he’s almost sure is reserved for that giggle only.

They separate when Lup groans something about how they’re sweet and heartwarming and all, but she’s fucking _starving_ , whatever. Taako sticks his tongue out at her as he steps into the kitchen and gets to work. What’s he making? Something with potatoes in it. Actually, he’s going to make mashed potatoes and he’s going to grill some chicken with rosemary and thyme and he’s going to finally make the zucchini and summer squash he picked up at the market the other day because Angus needs them and they add some lovely color to a dish. And it might not be his best meal, but it will be a fucking delicious one.

Lup, of course, tries anything she can as he goes. She does help by cutting the fat off the chicken and heating up the water to help the potatoes boil faster, but he knows she steals bits of raw zucchini after he cuts it. So he graces her with some cheese and crackers to nibble on while she waits for the mashed potatoes to be done so she can steal a bite or two of those, too. It makes him nervous, seeing her try the food before he does, but what he’s really worried about is the chicken. Kravitz gets to try that one first because he can’t die. And Taako’s also going to sprinkle it with the no sodium salt he bought from Fantasy Costco that one time. 

He grills it over his open-fire stove, using a grate that Barry had bought him for Candlenights, likely with the guidance of Lup. He seasons the chicken, and then he cooks it and he double checks to make sure everything is cooked through before he tentatively asks Kravitz to try it. Lup knows better than to object, and Kravitz seems happy to get a first sampling of the food, giving it a sparkling review (natch, Taako made it, after all,) and everything is okay. 

Taako swallows back some bile and chases it with a gulp of water before he gets Angus and Kravitz to set the table (sans plates: he wants to plate the food himself). Lup has already taken it upon herself to get the veggies taken care of, as well as mashing the potatoes, and it all tastes delicious in a way that makes Taako want to cry. But he’s already had enough tears to last him a lifetime, let alone a day, so he lets the feeling go and makes everybody’s plates, salting them accordingly, before he sets them where they belong. 

As he sits down with his freshly poured wine, he looks over his present group of family. Lup is digging in happily, Angus is tasting every part of the plate so he can save his favorite thing for last, and Kravitz is looking right at him. In fact, he’s looking so intensely that it almost startles Taako, but then the elf realizes that Kravitz is waiting for him to start eating. With a smile, Taako takes a bite of his already cut chicken, and Kravitz smiles back as he does the same. 

Lucretia did something unforgivable. He doesn’t know how the others have managed, but everyone he knows has a tendency to think with their heart before using their heads. And maybe Taako is the same way, but instead of letting himself use his love to get over the past, his fear is trapping him in it. 

However, when he sees the smiles of his most important (sorry, everyone else (but not really)) family members, he realizes that he doesn’t need to forgive Lucretia, but he does need to see what’s in front of him instead of being afraid of what’s behind him. 

Angus laughs at something Lup says, and Kravitz is still looking at him with knowing eyes, and Taako sips at his wine with a warm feeling in his body. Loving this is easy enough right now, and he doesn’t want to ever forget it. (Ugh, he's never thinking something so sappy ever again).


End file.
